


Adolescence Repose

by QDesjardin



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-10-18 23:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20647151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QDesjardin/pseuds/QDesjardin
Summary: Set in present day, Utena finds her soul aching for the past when she was a prince in Ohtori Academy.. when she had Anthy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Adolescence Repose**

**1**

"I'm only nine years old," Utena Tenjou hears from her headphone. "I've just finished grade four." She glances at the monitor; in the battle royale game she's playing, she has queued up with a random player.

Hearing that line, from a voice so young - it feels to her like not too long ago, when she was in the garden, the roses sweet under the dewdrops, and Anthy attending to them.

When she struggled for Anthy's soul, through all the duels she's had with her classmates. Saionji.. Touga.. Nanami..

When she received Anthy's stab of betrayal as she was about to protest that Anthy is a person, like any other.

It's been 22 years. In Utena's pasttime, in her apartment, she hops on her computer for online gaming, as a way to unwind before she has to fight her alarm early morning. Here, it's one of the latest crazes, Fortnite. Players fight to the death on the island, with the ability to build walls, floors and stairs at will.

"You sound old," her duo partner says.

"No," Utena goes, with a hint of falsetto, "I'm actually only 16. And I suck at this game."

/

Sometimes, as Utena tries drifting away to sleep, she clutches at the pillow beside her, and for a faintest moment, feels Anthy, like a warm, comforting presence - before realising that it's just an empty pillow.

Sometimes, when she isn't weighted down by worries like her investments in a world gone mad, she dreams of feeling as youthful and alive as she was, when she really was a prince, saving everyone she cares about. It's hard, it's like a permanent drowsiness weighing her down, unless she drinks coffee - like a vice as sinful as cigarettes. Under caffeine's influence, she'd feel awake, and then find anxiety churning in her nerves, and then she'd snap at people, the printer at work which fails to do its job properly about 35% of the time (Utena mentally calculated that).

Sometimes, she'd reach down, inching gently between her legs, and recall the way Kaneki _wanted_ her, being truly loved by another filling that aching void in her heart, before their marriage dissolved - the divorce papers signed, and Utena clutching onto the origami tiger he once made for her (a present), not even sure if she ought to throw it away, and then crying in the washroom.

And other times, the day passes. Tomorrow, she hopes to get that promotion, it would mean getting the weekends off, and being able to pay for a visit Ohtori Academy.. what remains of it, at least.

/

By the train station, she crams herself in, before the station officals shove the hordes of people into whatever space is left. Always, different faces each time. Once, it felt like someone kept molesting her butt under her skirt, and it turned out to be a young woman who was hastily texting her family.

It's pointless to put on perfume until after arriving at work, where Utena pulls out her bottle of Etoile (Fragonard), and surrepetitiously sprays herself on the neck and hair. It smells almost like the rose garden, lush and sweet.

She's a QA analyst at From Software. They're in the midst of making Eternum Souls, a gothic-themed game, and it's hard as heck. She admires the spooky design of the monsters, and the way the main character thrusts the rapier, but testing out the same section of area, over and over again can really wear out the novelty. It takes ten to fifteen playthroughs if she's lucky, until there are no bugs or design errors present - other times, the bosses are damn frustrating (one is a giant slug!), and her feedback gets ignored along the lines of "This is intentional, you just need to try harder."

One day, at her desk, while Utena holds the controller and tries rolling her character through a portcullis maze - she overhears the VA director: "Where is Miss Sayaka? I've been calling and texting her the last half-hour, she still hasn't shown! Oh, we're in for it now.. we have no one else on our roster to voice _Elena.._"

Utena's mind sparked. The end portion of the game isn't done yet, Elena is the arch-boss, and she's supposed to be a conceited, devious bitch, who Sayaka (a respected VA) is meant to handle.

But Utena has her own ideas for how Elena might be voiced..

She gets up from her station and approaches the VA director, a fire in her steps. "Sir - I have an interest in voice acting. I do it sometimes for fun on YouTube; let me be _your _Elena!"

The VA director and his goonies glance at each other. "But you're in the QA department.. you want to voice a key role in the game?"

Utena isn't going to be taken aback by their reluctance.

"I know who Elena's supposed to be. She's the sinister witch, responsible for the devestation of millions of lives; for making the world look like the bleak hellhole it is. She'll gleefully toss aside another million if it means finding her lost love, lost to the grave - believe me, I've been inside the game and out."

Sayaka Hashimoto has been known to be notoriously late, and why not, now that she's the unanimous voice of dozens of beloved femme leads.

"I can draw, I've done sound design.." Utena is being over her head now. "You'd be a fool to look me over!"

But she's impressed the VA director enough with her fiery assertion, and before she knows it, finds herself in the dimly lit recording booth, the lines she's supposed to read highlighted under the light, as she has several images and renders of Elena for her reference.

Utena nudges her sternum. She's repeated lines of the characters she's loved on YouTube, but this is something different, it's conjuring up a new, original character through the power of one's voice..

"Let me desire my lost love, once more-'

Maybe Utena has stumbled upon Elena's spirit. She is summoning the deepest recesses of her soul, the years of pain and passion, as she recites the lines - in accordance with the VA director's suggestions.

Beyond the obviously evil layer of Elena, there is downwardly a romantic aura about her, as if she wants to wear her heart on her sleeve, for just the right one..

"Yes, excellent! It's a wrap!"

The VA director cheers, and with that, a relief over Utena - her brow is sweaty, her breath trembling, voice acting is much more of an exercise than it initally seems. With that, Utena finds a part of her soul, being quenched in the creative process, yet also inviting further exploration into those parts yet unanswered..

At home, Utena tries to summon Anthy's voice in herself, but she's forgotten what Anthy sounds like, besides that she had a soft inflection upon her words, a timidity that belies her sensitivity and thoughtfulness.

She hops on Fortnite, and there, as she struggles with the building mechanics, she finds a man who plays. He is more confident than her in the game - he is basically summoning the Taj Mahal in every battle, overwhelming the enemy in superior positioning, and led her into her third victory royale.

It is something she admired, and so added him to her friends list.

"You remind me of someone," Utena says. "Someone I knew."

"Oh really? What's he like?"

"He's a nerd. He loves being in the library, typing his research reports, and being like a living computer."

"Hmm." A long beat. "I believe you might very well have described me. I used to be a school librarian. Was doing my Masters on the weight of a human soul."

"Who are you?" Utena asks, the computer screen shining her face, her reading glasses (she's grown far-sighted).

"I am Nemuro. Your friends had confided their deepest pain to me, and I promised them a solution - a possible road to eternity. All it took was the chance of defeating you in the duel for the rose bride.. Utena."

His words shake Utena to the core, such that she immediately closes out of the game, and goes through the coffee maker machine so that a steaming how French vanilla mocha would sooth her nerves. And as she leans by the kitchen counter, thinking, she glances out the window - at the familiar sight of the Yokohama cityscape, the ferris wheel a rainbow in the night.

_"Utena-sama..!"_

How did Nemuro find her, in such a game? But moreso, he's a link to the Ohtori Academy she knew. Not the ideal person to bump into.. but the last thing she recalls of Ohtori is _being swallowed behind the stone gates, trapped where Anthy once lay in her coffin, as she saw Anthy calling out for her - "Utena-sama!"_

_And like that, the gates shut closed, and there was darkness.._

On the computer, she sees on the Epic Games launcher, Mikage Souji's game invite, leering at her.

"Okay, Souji.. I'll bite," Utena utters under her breath, and logs back into Fortnite.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

In the Fortnite lobby, Utena finds Souji (his avatar is a taco-head soldier).

"Back so soon?" Souji goes, sardonically.

"My internet crashed-" It's an excuse, but whatever. "So what do you want? How did you even find me?" _He still sounds the same as the last time I saw him; I pierced his rose in that duel, after he sent all those brainwashed students on my case. It's as if he hasn't aged a day!_

"Please, Miss Tenjou, you don't have to give me the attitude." Souji has his character do a funky dance to lighten the mood. "You're still looking for her, aren't you?"

Utena pauses. "For who?"

"You know. You looked after her, like she was a poor, lost puppy, abused by her other owners. Every time, I'd catch you and her together, the inseparable couple. The one Rose Bride.. Anthy!"

"What the hell is it to you if I still care about her?" Utena snaps, banging her desk and rebounding her mouse in the air. "You're not even supposed to exist.."

Souji cackles, and with the headphones on, it's as if he's laughing right in her face. "You can say I'm the spirit of Christmas past. And Utena.. I don't mean you any harm. In fact, I want the same thing you're after. To find Anthy again. She is the key."

Utena closes her eyes, trying to consider Souji. It was 1997. She faced Dios and his lies, his tricks - even having Anthy as a victim of his spell. Her hand had pulled away from her stomach, it was drenched in her blood. But a strength that she'd always believed in, carried her limbs, over to the obsidian gate, sealed by a tangle of thorns and black roses. Beneath the stone coffin, was Anthy's spirit, trapped. She only knew.. she had to pull Anthy out of that eternal void.

But had she ever really saved Anthy?

The next thing Utena remembers is waking up in her dorm. She was alone. She had always lived alone. It was as if the last year were a waking dream, a dream broken by a cold sweat, and the realisation that she had only been living her fancies of rescuing someone - like how she'd been rescued all those years ago as a child.

"What happened to Anthy Himemiya?" Utena asked the senior's office.

The guy ruffled through the papers, and matter-of-factly, he said: "She left, a year ago. Transferred out to another school."

"What school?!"

"I'm really not at liberty to say, I'm afraid," the official said.

It was as if Anthy had vanished entirely from her life. But Utena was able to recall vividly, all those days when Anthy had shared her spicy curry for lunch, the physical exertions of duelling, Chu-Chu's antics, and the endless drama over the rose bride..

Utena had nearly driven herself to madness, asking everyone about Anthy (they either don't know her or remember her tending the gardens). Finally, it came down to asking Akio.

"You're a liar. Anthy was right here! You made her disappear somehow!"

The boiling point, and Akio, imperturbable, said: "Miss Tenjou, you've been a wonderful student. Maybe not all of your grades were straight As, but up to now, I was actually hoping you to serve as valedictorian by the time you graduate. Why go all this length to tarnish your record, over someone who you barely know - she left after your first day here!"

His words sunk Utena. Even though it was almost like she could smell the shit emanating from his lips, she had to calm down. Ripping herself apart over her convictions wasn't worth her life.

"You're right.." she went, repressing a huge sigh. "I went way out of line. It's just I thought-"

"Sometimes, we all dream something, it feels so real, so vivid, that it becomes a living memory. I think you were acting on such an impulse." Akio was comforting her, rubbing her shoulder. "Utena, you are.. very brave for expressing how you feel. Even in your tantrum, your spirit burns through. I can tell you, someday, you'll shine, be a magnificant star. First things first-"

"My studies, I know."

And like that, Utena had admitted defeat. Deep down, she wanted to change that moment - wanted so badly to fight back against Akio's notions. To prove what she felt, what she_ had_, it was real. _I just didn't have the courage.._

If she had missed Anthy, she pushed it back out of her mind. The rose gardens became ordinary, and Utena played basketball as usual. She became a senior.. Saionji, Touga and Juri moved on, and soon after graduating from Ohtori, Utena wrote to Wakaba (who told her to keep her spirits up, Wakaba's happiness shone through the handwriting).

Over the years, their letters grew more curt, as they grew occupied with managing student loans, then job-hunting.. Wakaba describing how her soon-to-be-fiance loves her more and more everyday through her cooking made Utena jealous, especially with the recipes involving spiced curry.

Eventually, nothing. Utena stopped bothering with the effort. It felt like a mere formality, like she'd known Wakaba didn't really care for her anyway.

Loneliness was never a stranger for Utena - if she confided her real, deepest feelings in someone, her lips would whisper only sorrow. And though she remembered how to laugh, how to pour out all her charm into Kaneki (a young, very vibrant bachelor), she never found anything resembling real happiness.

Just contentment, from time to time.. forgetting Anthy.

Utena glances down, finding the fresh stain of tears has dribbled onto her keyboard. The pain, the buried grief, always there.

"Utena, are you alright?" Souji goes, his voice concerned.

"I- I've.. I want her back so much," Utena sobs out. "I don't even remember what she looks like anymore, what she sounds like. And it's all my fault! I've let Akio get the better of me, let Anthy die in my heart, and buried her away."

"No, Utena," Souji says, and as Utena closes her eyes, it's as if she could see Souji - exactly how he was, his hair wavering to his shoulders. In the darkness, he's _there _with her. "You're not to blame. Dios's magic and silver tongue, ardently combined, make an irresistable combination. For the years you've lived, I have spent five times longer, languishing, all but a memory, lost in time and space. Anthy was the perfect opportunity to set my soul at peace, even if it meant fighting you for that chance."

"My name was Nemuro. I'd sought a way to capture the human spirit, in tangible form. Dios took notice of my work, and though he funded me at Ohtori, he only wanted my research to progress as much as it allowed him to hold someone captive.

"When I was about to share the hope that the human spirit was _alive,_ it would mean that we are not just happy accidents, happening to take reign over the animal kingdom. We are both the divine word, and savage instinct - and even after bodily death, our hopes, dreams go on..

"But Dios.. he had my research partner, Tokiko, burn me, the library and the research files with it. Though my body is cremated, Dios reigns over my soul. He tossed me aside when I failed to obtain possession of Anthy on his behalf.. but I found a way to reside in the world wide web."

Utena can almost feel Souji's breath upon her. "What can you do for me?" she asks.

"Besides reciting all the porn you've watched, or your average win rate? It took me forever to identify you on the internet - as even I do not have omniscience, sad to admit. I can help you find Anthy, find the _real_ Ohtori Academy.. you just have to serve as my real-world body, and obey what I tell you."

Souji has his in-game avatar do a gentleman's bow, with all the applause, and Utena, as dumbfounded as she is with the discovery - she finds another hope. The possibility. The question to lead her..

"I'll do whatever you need me to do," Utena goes.

"And together," Souji finishes, "we'll revolutionize the world."


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

"Thus, with a kiss – I die!"

Utena humbly nods with the very last line recorded for Elena. The voice director and all of the staff applaud. The studio recording room feels humid with the effort involved. Sadly, as Utena isn't part of the voice actor's union, she isn't able to get credited for the work (yet), but word passes fast of a new, unexpected talent.

It's a funny feeling, the first time Utena's voice will be part of a widely-released game. Would people talk about Elena and wonder about the woman behind the curtains? Whatever the case, she's proud of herself for her efforts.

Souji isn't enthused – he wants Utena to suddenly disappear from her job and hop on a train directly to Tokyo. Even after these years of web browsing and information addiction, he's never picked up on sociality. And he just comes off as plain demanding, badgering her phone with messages to start her mission.

It's the company's celebratory party. The CEO Miyazaki wraps his arm around Utena for a nice photo, and they're popping off sake. But even two cups doesn't quell the uncertain trembling of Utena's heart, as she glances out the window – beyond the cityscape lights, to the night, and beyond. The same constellations she used to gaze at with Anthy, they still exist..

"If it's alright with you," Utena goes, "I'd like to take a week off, just to recover."

Miyazaki's eyes gleam at her, behind his square frames. He's reserved, and then he says thoughtfully, "Your diligence shall be rewarded."

/

When Utena stumbles out of the building, she answers Souji's call over Discord.

"Yes yes, Souji, you have to have patience for those things. Now I've got a week off and a full paycheck to spare."

"I was worried your heart's not entirely in this."

"I have a _life!_" Utena retorts, almost tasting the alcohol from her breath. "Unlike you." Then she giggles, realising the absurdity of talking with an artificial consciousness – on her phone! "The only thing is Ohtori isn't anywhere even near Tokyo! What are we going there for?"

"You are not the first I've contacted," Souji goes. "I have researchers and hobbyists who have constructed for me a _bio-neural interface, _piecemeal fashion. Unfortunately, we are running out of time."

"Whaa?"

"We will be together, our minds linked – one, yet separate as to not enroach your autonomy."

Utena has been walking down into an alley, off the street, as to be able to hear Souji better. Some clotheslines hang between old apartments; it's surprisingly peaceful, besides that it reeks of cheap restaurant cooking oil, but Utena begins to feel apprehensive over Souji's words.

She finds some backalley stairs to sit upon.

"So I'm tipsy, but you're basically going to put yourself in my mind? So you could pry into my deepest thoughts? Nuh-uh. No. That's an ultimate violation of privacy!"

"We _have to._ By the time we reach old Ohtori.. there won't be any internet or cell signals, and by yourself, you will be hopelessly lost amidst decaying memories."

Utena hears her phone buzz. Her colleagues have wished her a good time off, along with Flipboard news, and a sent image from an unknown number.

The image is a CGI-rendering of Ohtori, and though Utena recalls the duelling arena and dorms, she could hardly distinguish the buildings as it's worn, battered and dilapitated over age. It's Ohtori Academy, but it's a dark nightmare, of strange and illogical proportions; like some architect has tried to revamp the place, given up halfway through due to despair, and ended up making twisted sculptures from what once was. And what are those distant wisps – phantasms?

"My God," utters Utena. "What the hell happened to Ohtori?"

"From what data I could extrapolate from, Ohtori was dissolved back in 2001, by Akio. It has since been dismantled into a national park. But in actuality, he has placed a backup copy, out of phase with our known reality. What you've seen is Ohtori in its raw form, and it is there you have a hope of finding Anthy again."

Utena takes a big breath. Then she hears a car pull over, a screech of the tires. She looks up from her phone, and finds men in white suits, approaching her in the alley. The limo headlights are blinding, the smoke from the gutters rising up.

"Damn!" Souji goes. "They've arrived – I don't know how they found you this fast. But you should run."

Utena stands up.

"Hello there," the lead man says. "Utena Tenjou, right? I have something you need to hear."

"If you're selling me Wish-Bones, I don't have a dog," Utena goes.

"Oh, it's not dog treats. You've been in contact with the notorious cyber-criminal _Infiltrator._ A man most wanted by international police for bank extortions, racketeering, coercing people to do dirty deeds for him under false pretenses. The signal leads to your phone here. All we want-"

He pulls out a badge. Utena doesn't know if it's really legit, but it's the badge of Japan Federal Investigations. Without realising it, she's freezing up like one of those idiots she's seen on LiveLeak, a hostage to authority.

"Utena," Souji says, "if you can hear me, these suits don't have your well-being in mind. RUN!"

"Where to?" she whispers.

"Put your phone up so I can look."

So Utena gets her phone out, as if willing to cooperate with the suits, and Souji glances out the camera. Assessing that they're armed, but still operating under the "Shoot if she's doing something lethal" mentality, Souji says, "They have tasers. They're coming within effective range to use it on you -"

A nearby door opens behind Utena, it's the chef, out for his smoke break, and that's Utena's signal to make a dash for the restaurant's back door.

/

It's always been Utena's wont to be a tomboy, and it goes down too for her attire. That's how she is able to run continuously, out the Maki restaurant door, and rounding sidewalk corners as the Men in White chase her down. No high heels, but her pair of Doc Martens with pink laces and woven leather roses. They're over 100,000 yen, and well worth every penny.

In her panicked run, Utena tosses her phone into a mailbox, sorry Souji.. and ends up in a shopping mall. She looks like hell, sweating, hair ruffled, and though she's sure she's lost the men for now, she has to come up with something.

Now she's the target of a federal investigation.. Utena goes to the ladies room, fixes her hair up, and sprays some perfume over her pulse points to cover up her body odour (as that's how the French came up with widespread perfume.. the streets stank!).

She passes by a darkened kiosk.. it's a cyber-cafe. People playing on the PCs, with private rooms dedicated for streamers.. perfect.

Utena goes by the counter and asks to use one of the PCs.

"We need your ID, or a passport."

Well, her need to talk with Souji again outweighs the risk of using her identity, so she pulls out her purse and shows them her license. Then she pays for an hour's use of a streamer's room, just to keep all the noise away.

The streamer's room, it's soundproofed, and the setup with the microphone dangling in your face along with the webcam would have impressed her on another day. But currently, she unplugs the webcam from the computer, and logs on with her newfound account – to play Fortnite.

"Souji.. are you on?" she mumbles under her breath.

She doesn't find him online in the game, so she shoots him an offline message, telling him that she really needs his help, she's never been under the eye of the police before!

And suddenly, he's online, and joins her lobby.

"You rang for me?" his voice, monotone.

"Why didn't you tell me the feds are on your case?! Are you even telling me the whole truth?"

"I had to pull several strings to make it happen, to reach the stage where it's viable to contact you in the first place. It means playing the stock market, obtaining the circuitry and research materials needed to prepare for your journey. Utena.. I'm sorry."

"Sorry that you're only showing your cards now, cause it calls for it? And just what is Anthy to you anyway.. you're going to use me, just to get to her for your big, nefarious experiment?"

"Anthy Himemiya shares Dios's heritage, like the mythical prince of fairytales, she is a witch, and I'm interested in her role as the future of humanity. Our goals don't have to be contradictory, Utena.. you can have those lost years together with her – for her, and for the girl you once were. But as I said earlier, time ticks away always. The feds haven't thought of looking for me through gaming networks, but that fact will likely change."

Utena peers out the window, looking for any suspicious signs. All the women chatting away, all the young kids who are connected and jesting at each other makes for a strangely charged atmosphere. No men in white.

"I wanted you to ride to Tokyo," Souji goes, "and now the federal investigators are onto you, that will prove unviabl- it may be possible for me to forge a temporary identity for you in the systems. There, it's done. You will pose as Tomoko, blood type A+. When your identity card is scanned, Tomoko will pop up and you should be good to go." And Souji's avatar does a wacky grin as if in mock celebration.

"Cool.. I get to be someone else for a day.."

"You still have _the ring,_ don't you?"

The rose ring. It's been kept in a specially-crafted box, for the past 14 years. If anything, it's her last attachment to Ohtori. It still fits her finger, oddly enough. Even putting on the ring, Utena feels an unignorable yearning, as if the ring's _raison d'etre _would never be fulfilled ever again.

"It's in my closet," Utena goes.

"You'll need it to reach the barrier to Ohtori. And a companion; someone who has known you well, as someone to tether you to the present."

Utena's mind flits over to Wakaba.. but she hasn't been in contact with her for a long while. Would Wakaba still recognize her, much less care? Her heart sinks just thinking about it. Definitely not Kaneki; it's too painful.

"Check," Utena says.

"That's good. And with your vestments, you shall at last resist Dios's powerful allure.. now, what you gotta do to elude the investigators-"

The door swings open, pouring in the sounds of the cyberpub. It's a girl streamer, dressed in a skimpy bunny outfit, with bunny ears and heavy makeup derived from Instagram trends. Her boyfriend is with her.

"Excuse me, this is my spot, bitch! I've been knocking on the window for the past minute, and I'm scheduled to be on in 5 minutes, you gotta go!"

"Yeah," her boyfriend says (looks like a wimp).

Utena looks up. "Who are you calling a bitch? I paid for this spot. Go use another room, you entitled skank."

The girl gasps. "I guess this is your first time here.. first rule is, let the pros have their way. **Come on,** I have an audience of 6,000 waiting for my gorgeous face!"

Utena scowls. She's faced duels and put up with nonsense while this girl and her sorry excuse of a boyfriend were in their cribs (great, thinking of that, she's _really _feeling old_)_. She pulls off her headset, gets up -

The expression on the girl's face is something to behold. First, it's delight at making that clueless woman leave, then it's total, total shock when Utena palms her face, sending her back out the doorway along with her boyfriend, like bowling pins.

Utena shuts the door after them. Fuckers.

When she picks up the headset, Souji is still patiently waiting. "I got caught up with something, sorry," Utena goes.

"Ah, I was saying, you need.. let me think. I do know, you like a lot of action and thriller movies, you stream some for those late night weekends."

"Hey, you're prying! That's why I'm dubious about having you in my head."

"Yes, well, you need to pretend for now you're the hero- erm, heroine of a thriller story for now. Get yourself in the mindset of someone who will use _anything_ to get from point A to point Z, and out of trouble. That's 60% of the battle already. I can tap into cameras, anything that's not closed-circuit, and fudge things in your favour.."

The door opens once more, and the streamer girl is back at it again, this time with staff, their faces stern as heck. That always happens: I'mma bring my big brother who'll stand up for my ass!

"That's her, she pushed me in the face!"

Utena takes off the headset, logs off the PC, and as she strides out, she shoots a quick glance at the girl. She's like.. there are always Nanami's in this world, who feel like the world ought to bend over to their whims.

"I'll kick your ass if I see your face here again!" Utena hears from behind her shoulder, and she scoffs.


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

The police have invaded Utena's apartment, prodded open her drawers and snagged her computer. Under authority of Inspector Lunge (INTERPOL), they have warrented themselves into breaking in - obtaining whatever data on the Infiltrator, and Utena's connection to it.

Lunge surveys the modest apartment, taking in the eclectic decoration, the unkempt dishes still in the sink, the customly lush room lighting, while his hands fidget by his side, typing in an imaginary keyboard what his senses are taking in.

_Subject Tenjou Utena, age 36, living alone. She has a taste for art, signifying a strong interior life and an independent spirit, separate from everyone else._

"Lunge, we're heading back to analyze her disk drives."

The inspector's sharply-defined eyebrow rises. He nudges his collar and reluctantly, he leaves with the rest of the team, but not before grabbing a framed photo of Utena, dressed up fancifully with a wig and a futuristic soldier's outfit. You can tell an awful lot about people, the way they choose to present themselves, and in the eyes when they smile. For Utena, she would be a feisty one to deal with if cornered.

A team of two police patrols are left, in case Utena tries to come home. They don't do their job very vigilently, and close to midnight, they are on their phones, livestreaming the latest Korean drama while munching on fried onion rings.

A random kid enters the apartment lobby, wearing a hat, and a pizza box at hand. When he greets the reception, he tells them he wants to deliver it personally as that's Fat Tony's style, and when he gets off on the eighth floor, he pulls out Utena's house key and goes in her room (yellow-taped off).

Inside – he feels it's a cozy place, he pulls out his phone as a flashlight and enters Utena's bedroom, where her drawers are open, and her desk is.. whoa, that computer setup is totally bitching! She must be fun to hang around with! But no time for that, he's in a rush, and he heads for the closet, where he slides the doors aside, and on the top shelf, he sees it unmistakably. The white jewel box, which has the pink rose crest embossed on it, just like how the lady said.

He grabs it.

/

A block away, the kid arrives at the 7-Eleven store, where he meets the pink-haired lady by the tables, and presents her with the box and the keys.

"You got an nice home, miss," the kid goes, seating himself by her.

"You did oh, so well, Raki." Utena offers him the rest of the 35,000 yen in bills. "Nobody saw you, right?"

"Not that I know of. You're sure the cameras aren't somethin' to worry about? What if someone finds out I went in? There's police tape across your door.."

"You're a family friend who forgot his heirloom, that's all," Utena says. She's certain Souji has disabled the camera feeds while Raki's in action, but it's a major relief.. now she has the duelist's ring. Raki is someone she finds every morning on the weekends, when she goes for some grocery shopping, finding him chatting with his friends.

And now, she has to bid him goodbye.

"I've got to go," Utena says. "Am on a tight schedule."

"Where to?" he asks.

She wishes she could tell him _everything_, in one selfish act of unburdening one's mind over someone to trust, but what would that really do? So instead, Utena says, "I'm paying a visit to an old friend."

And without meaning to, she.. rests her fingers over Raki's face, stroking him gently. He's confused, but he finds her touch warm, comforting, you could absorb her sweet perfume..

/

Luckily, you can pay for an Uber ride in cash, and it's cash which Utena has withdrawn by the dozen – she's a lady on the run, and the police will be tracking her through her card purchases otherwise. She tells the driver to head for the harbour, while her heart palpitates. Utena doesn't notice how all the traffic lights turn in her ride's favour – she just pulls out the white box, and snugly puts the ring on.

She grasps onto her purse hard, as she has half her savings put out to cash, in 10,000 yen bills. When a police cruiser rushes by across an intersection, Utena ducks down, and the driver – noting her in his mirror, "Hey, why the long face?" tries cheering her up.

He taps something on his dashboard-mounted phone, and Utena likes it. She remembers ice skating as a kid, and the years have gone by, but she's never forgotten the song from Madonna in the stadium.

"Eyyy, you like dem classics too!" the driver goes.

Utena cracks a smile. A good rule of thumb in life, when you're venturing out into uncharted territory is if you encounter something – be it a white cat coming your way, or a nice driver – and it makes you happy, it's a sign you're doing the right thing.

She bobs her head, just as her ride parks by the harbour, and she gives the driver one of the bills, "Don't worry about the change."

The driver's eyes widen with surprise, it's like he's won the lottery, "Oooh woow! I'll never forget you!"

/

There are so many people who join the march in Tokyo over the freedom protests in Hong Kong; even live concerts are being held in support. So the lines for Tokyo ferries are more crowded than Utena expects, filled with young people carrying homemade banners.

Utena is sandwiched between a group of K-Pop enthusiasts. She struggles to get her ID out, and her heart pounds as she's able to read her own name and signature embedded. Could she really believe in Souji.. this Tomoko identity.

And then it's her turn by the line-up counter, and she presents her ID, moment of truth.

The girl there swipes the card, her console beeps – she eyeballs Utena nervously, and then she leans in, whispers: "I've been told to hand this to you."

It's a burner phone. A black Nokia, in fact, so sturdy in her hands.

Utena glances at the girl, but the next thing she sees is her calling out for the next one in line. She takes it as a sign that it's going smoothly, and finds the ferry, docked -

Her phone rings.

"Yes?" she goes, in a harried whisper.

"Oh, we meet again." Souji must be thrilled from being a remote control freak. "Sit down, enjoy the ride. If I were you, I would ask the bartender for a Vesper martini, it helps ease the nerves."

The ferry has modernized since Utena last rode it – the seats are padded, and it resembles a first class lounge, complete with a holographic fireplace, and android servants. Utena puts the phone to the side, and by the well-stocked bar, over the noise of a puppy barking loudly, she asks for a Vesper martini.

"What's a Vesper martini?"

Utena pulls up the phone. "He doesn't know what a Vesper martini is.."

"3 ounces gin," Souji recites, "one ounce vodka, and a half-ounce of dry vermouth. Shaken.. not stirred."

So the bartender does just that, and adds a dash of olive on top, and Utena sips it, and it goes down smooth. She begins to realise how _spent _she feels; her mind has been buzzing with readiness for the entire past two days, and she finds a lounge seat to sink in.

The fireplace flickers, and it's hypnotic to the eyes.. like when Anthy used to bake Utena and everyone in the dorms some gingerbread snaps, when the weather would grow cold come Christmas season, and everyone huddled up by the fireplace, to read, to study, or plain goof off.

Anthy.. a person wiped out of history.. a friend true and dear in all of Utena's life. Maybe Souji has some answers..

Utena snaps out of her reverie and gets her phone. "Souji, do you know what Dios has done with Anthy?"

A beat.

"I do not know. What is the last thing you remember of Anthy?"

"I was.. bleeding. A stone gateway, covered with thorns. Dios had her trapped within the _coffin, _he _always _had her trapped there, and I pricked my hands, prying the vines away. I reached for her. Then I woke up, back in my dorm. She was gone. Like I was supposed to believe that was all a dream. If I stood up to Akio-"

"Inferring from your experience, and my understanding of Akio and Anthy, this is a trap. You _did _stand up to Akio, Utena. You were on the verge of rescuing Anthy from his shell, and in a last resort, he has.. led you to a false- not false, objectively speaking, but relative to you, a false timeline. You know it, but you cannot speak of it with anyone else.. and in the following months after you 'woke' up from that dream of Anthy, you must have been driven **mad** by her absence, grasping after her in all the spaces she filled you with."

"God.. I want her back so bad.." Utena doesn't notice how the puppy has stopped barking, instead regarding her warily now.

"The punishment," Souji goes, "is never fulfilling your life's potential. Heartbreak, after all, has ruined many a person's life, yours being not the first – or the last."

The ring on Utena's hand has grown out crystalline veins, glistening, burrowing down the length of her ring finger.

"I could continue mourning," Utena goes. "Every day, up to now. Watching life pass me by, as I've withered into this woman nearing middle age. If Anthy is truly out-of-sync with time, then maybe Akio can bring her back. Restore her, and what I've lost.."

"You seem to take it so personally," Souji quips. "The other duellists all had craved Anthy just for power, men and women alike, and the assuredness that comes with having one's inner wishes at their fingertips. But you, you _love _her.. as you'd want to be loved, beyond the hardships you've endured. Out of everyone else, your reasons of wanting Anthy are somewhat unique."

How Souji says it, it makes Utena almost proud.

"Love.." Utena utters from her lips – something she hasn't said, to anyone for a long while. From the time she's fallen in love with the figure skater as a young girl, to being touched by the young prince by her parents' grave, and.. the people she's met, touched, and been touched by, all residing in her, forever. "Souji," she says, "whatever you really have planned once we find Anthy, I just want you to know, you deserve to have lived."

"I am thriving," Souji goes.

"Not like this," Utena says. "As a real person, warts, life's headaches and all. Living as some piece of information, like some digital neckbeard, you're really missing out. I might have fought you and your cronies.. but if it were another way, I would have been delighted in taking you out with me, even if it was just for dinner."

".. that's, rather kind of you," she hears him say. "If I had to hand the torch to you, to make the world as your heart sees it-"

"I'll be happy to stop by the library for you," Utena says. "Check out all those obscure books of Nietzsche from the shelves."

"You're really pushing it, aren't you."

And Utena lets out a guffaw – the first time in a while. "I've never been much into reading. But who knows.."

"The library's not just for books," Souji says, with a gusto. "There's videotapes, and not just the educational ones about watching birds nest in old branches. A whole collection of Italian horror movies, I've curated over the years, and the Spaghetti Westerns, and erotica-"

"OK, I'mma stop you there," Utena goes. "So I watch porn, everyone does, and maybe you know what I'm into, but don't you think for a second you're free to delve into cyber-sex territory with me, you dirty old perv-"

"That's not what I meant.."

"-oh, I'm kidding, Souji! Relax! First thing, you should lighten up, even as some super god-sentient being from cyberspace. Probably a lot of people have seen my browsing history already.. and I do the occasional strip-tease for anyone willing to cough up some buck. Maybe you'd be interested?"

".. oh boy," she hears from the other end, and Utena swears if Souji were a real person, he'd be fucking blushing so hard right now.


End file.
